What even are goals?

It’s a funny thing, I set so many goals.

Meditate every day

Write every day

Work out 5 times a week

Do yoga

Cook more

Read a book for fun

And then this is what happens:

I meditate for 7 minutes and think about all the shit I have to do

I leave for work at 7 am and get home at 10:45 pm and fall into bed

I work out once, realize I have things scheduled through the rest of the week after work, and vow to start again tomorrow

I buy food to cook and then don’t have time to cook it (or more recently, live in a house so hot the thought of turning on a stove or oven is ludicrous) and then it goes bad in my fridge and I throw away 40 dollars.

I pull out a book to read for fun, and either fall asleep or get consumed by all the things I should be doing. Things like laundry. Dishes. Really giving the house a good scrub. Mowing the lawn. Cleaning the garage. Figuring out what the fuck to do about my landscaping so I can stop water getting in my basement and put my basement back together.

This is all, of course, on top of working 40-50 hours a week and going to at least 4 meetings a week, sometimes more. Oh, and taking classes, which thankfully I’m done with for the summer. Speaking at meetings, sponsoring a gal who is great but who needs my attention, being in service, all of these things take valuable time.

Then I remember I wanted these things so badly in the throes of my alcoholism, and that reminds me to be grateful for this busy life, even if the floor has dust bunnies being blown around by the fans that struggle to keep the house below hellishly hot. Even if I haven’t slept in my bedroom in over a week, so the sheets are piled on top and two loads of laundry sit waiting to be folded. Even if I haven’t cooked a meal, had spare time to even take my old nail polish off, haven’t gotten that second coat of paint on the wall in the dining room and the drop cloth and tape still sit there. Even if the cat hair on the back of the couch is visible. These are all little things, and in the grand scheme, I am grateful I’m out living, rather than just drifting from place to place, always there but never present. I am grateful, even in the midst of the so-called chaos that is my life right now.

And hey, the AC guy is here – I think it might actually be fixed. That’s progress.

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